Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Lost ... and about love
Must I be someone for you to love me?

Today, I feel lost. Nothing is desirable, not because nothing is beautiful and valueable, but because there is a greater value out there than what I have possessed in my own experience thus far. I long for a reality that is more true than what is real, and I long for the One Who brings peace to the weary soul. Life in this world is hard yet Jesus Christ is the One Who stood up in the disciple's boat during the storm and He calmed it. He too calms the storms of our souls.

I've thought I wanted to be an intellectual and thus yearned for academic success. Somewhere in that I thought I would be considered valueable, worthy of love, because of success. All I found was emptiness, despair, and a never ending battle to be the best and to be perfect. Yet when I look at my King, I see that He is the One Who called the sick to come to Him. He stretched out His hands to the blind and said: I will to make you see. Those who thought themselves perfect in their own strength where the one's with which He found opposition. Jesus Christ came to offer healing for the sick, but those who considered themselves healthy rejected Him.

It cannot be my ability that is the measure of why I am worthy of love. If it is, I will never be loved. I will never be able to measure up. I'll never, in this life, be perfect. St. Francis de Sales says that it is no wonder that imperfection be imperfect (Introduction to the Devout Life). We ought not be amazed that we who are not God are in fact not God-like, we are not perfect. If I must act for you in order for you to love me - if I must live up to some standard in order for you to love me - you never will. At best you'll love me today only to find me unworthy tomorrow. Is that God's way? It cannot be. Why not? Because Jesus Christ died for us while we were yet sinners. That means that He came and died for us, loving us, even while we were yet not measuring up to the standard. His love precedes our ability to live up to the standard and it is His love that is the cause of our new life. He loves you therefore repent in response to that love, rather than repenting so as to be worthy of His love. Love is blind to ability or strength. It seems foolish, reckless, irrational in this world but such is the love of God.